Keep the bikers! Great zombie-bait!

Every zombie movie is a snowflake universe. They all have their own specific laws regarding their own specific zombie universe. Some of them have fast zombies that attack humans at a full gallop, broken legs and all. Some of them have slow zombies that count on each other, using a hyena tactic to overcome their human prey. There are some zombie-verses where brains are a delicacy, and some where it’s the only item on the menu. But regardless of which donut-shaped zombie universe you find yourself in, one thing is certain. You want to move like a running-back and not like a lineman And you never, ever want to open the door.

A common theme in many zombie movies is the biker gang. Who is better equipped to deal with zombies than a rough-and-tumble gang of bikers out to destroy anything that gets in their way? They are often loaded up with guns, can engage in a mean tussle. Many groups already come with a built-in social hierarchy, avoiding that messy stage of social development the other groups have to go through. Clad in leather, they blaze into town in staggered formation on perfect zombie-universe vehicles. What better way to get around in a world of standstill gas shortages than a Harley that gets nearly 100 miles to the gallon?

Sorry biker boys, but the motorcycle is probably the worst mode of transportation in a zombie apocalypse. Any biker will tell you that road hazards are, well, hazardous. A handful of pebbles strewn on the road can tumble any experienced biker. Recently a water main break down the street caused a giant sinkhole 4 feet across, more than a foot deep. Without a utility company to charge you for the luxury of water, there would be no one to take care of pipes and every street would be riddled with sinkholes. Plus, good bikers know you have to ride into obstacles at a 90 degree angle. Have you ever tried to hit a wriggling body at a perfect perpendicular angle before? Very taxing on the nerves.

By the way, motorcycles are also uncovered. You would be exposed to any hungry hitchhiker who happened to be on the side of the road. Unless you’ve outfitted your bike like the pope-mobile, a little bit of death wobble will probably lead to more than a broken arm. And, being exposed to the elements, you might catch your death of cold!

But, you say to yourself, bikers are so cool! Hells Angels can certainly react with vigilante justice against a ravenous pack of Zombies. Well… Have you ever been to a biker rally? You have crotch-rocketeers, the most likely bunch to kill themselves first in a selfless act to feed the poor hungry horde. Then you’ve got your dentists and real estate moguls, cruising around on Road Kings. When was the last time you saw a group of those guys waving around shotguns and threatening their brand of peace? You also have your hot, half naked babes (way too much flesh exposed, easy biting targets) and your large bottomed back enders (they might save you a little time when they tumble off as you lean into a turn). And lord, the lack of helmets. Those guys certainly don’t have much to protect to begin with, maybe they’re safe.

So what’s a girl to do when the end is nigh and the zombies are closing in? Hop into the hardtop jeep with that snarky guy who has a goatee. And when he starts blubbering about his dog, tell him to hold onto the oh-crap bars and gun it into the sunset.

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