Plop Plop Fizz Fizz

You are a conscientious person. You pay your taxes, and vote when it’s convenient and not raining. You always drop your empty soda cans in a blue bin and bundle newspaper with designer twine to set out on your curb for recycling day. You even bought a bike, intending to ride it to work. Think of all the greenhouse gas you can prevent by consuming a few extra calories as fuel for that bike ride instead of sitting in that gas guzzling monstrosity. In fact, you don’t even need to worry about the extra calories you need to consume, as you’ve been doing it for years in preparation.

But alas, there is one thing that you haven’t quite thought about while preparing your living will. How will you be buried? What is the most environmentally conscious way you can depart this earth, minimizing your carbon footprint at the critical moment of one week after your death?

You could have your naked body (you want to be naked of course, specifying in your will that you want all of your clothes donated to a local charity) wrapped up in a biodegradable cardboard box and buried. You could fertilize your wife’s tomato plants, or have a tree planted in your chest to grow and sing and toss off branches into fully formed tools.

Or you could opt for dissolution, in which you have your body dissolved in an acid. You would then reach a neutral PH level and WHOOSH, sent down the drain. There is no use of toxic chemicals such as embalming fluids. There are no noxious gasses emitted as you slowly decompose. The only pang of guilt you would feel is when you think about those poor baby maggots and their tiny little hungry bellies. And unlike cremation (a crematorium furnace has to burn 24/7 in order to reach the temperatures needed to burn a human body), very little energy is consumed in disposing of your body.

But there’s no rush, really. You have your whole life to think about how you will spend your death. But I think Mother Nature would really appreciate it if you took a dunk in an acid bath. Don’t worry, you won’t feel a thing.

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